Screenplay
Captain Chaotica
issue 2
"Taking a Bite Outta Swine"
1. EXT. STREET - DAY
CAPTAIN CHAOTICA is walking down the street. She walks by COP1, who is busting a JAYWALKER.
COP1
All right buddy, you’re breakin’ the law. Put your hands on your head and your feet apart.
CC bonks COP1 on the heads and he falls down.
JAYWALKER
Thanks, Captain Chaotica!
She continues walking along and walks by COP2 writing a parking ticket for a car at an empty parking meter. She puts a quarter in the machine.
COP2
Sorry lady, but you just can’t do that. (smirks/chuckles)
CC knees him in the stomach and he falls down.
She continues walking and comes to COP3 about to bust a GUY for urinating against a wall.
CC
Hold it right there, hog boy!
He turns, but she grapples with him, whips out some handcuffs, cuffs his hands behind his back, and gives him a kick in the rear to send him on his way.
COP3
I’m gonna get Chief Kiger on yer ass! You’ll be sorry you ever set foot in this town, Captain Chaotica!
CC smiles.
TITLE & THEME SONG
NARRATOR
Defender of petty criminals
Enemy of intimidating police
Avenger of the incarcerated
Its CAPTAIN CHAOTICA - the crime saver!
in this week’s issue:
"Taking a Bite Outta Swine!"
2. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
CHIEF KIGER is at his desk, feet up, and eating a donut. COPs 1, 2, and 3 come in. They stand at attention.
CHIEF KIGER
Whadya want?
COP3
Captain Chaotica is back in town and she’s trying to clean up the cops on the street, sir.
CHIEF KIGER
Curses! I thought we’d seen the last of that bitch!
COP1
What are we gonna do about it, Boss?
CHIEF KIGER
Well boys...we’re gonna have to bring her in.
3. INT. BAR - NIGHT
A group of 7-10 people are sitting at a bar listening to a band play. COPs 4, & 5 approach a couple, and tap one on the shoulder.
COP4
I’m gonna need to see some ID
BOY
Aww shit.
COP5
Busted!
GIRL
But this is my friend’s band, and I really want to see them! Can’t you just take the beer and let us stay? Please?
COP4
No can do sister. You little punks are coming with me down town.
4. EXT. STREET - NIGHT
CC rides by on a motorcycle
5. INT. BAR - NIGHT
The couple are looking very forlorn, and the cops are patting them down.
CC walks in.
CC
Why do you guys always wreck all the fun?
COP4 pulls a gun, but she kicks it out of his hand, uses the back Piglet Punisher to hit him in the stomach, and then smashes it on the of head of COP5. She turns back to COP4, who is buckled over in pain, and gives him a good whack on the back of the neck. He falls down. She wipes her hands, grabs the cops by the back of the collars, and begins to drag them away.
CC
My work here is done. Enjoy your evening, kids.
BOY
Captain Chaotica, wait, you should really watch out because Chief Kiger really has it out for you.
CC
Don’t worry, that greasy bacon boy is too stupid to catch me!
6. INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
CHIEF KIGER stands at his desk before a group (5-10) police.
CHIEF KIGER
Now listen up, boys. We’ve got to catch that Captain Chaotica and we gotta do it fast. There’s a bunch of punks trafficing refer on the east side of town we’ve been keeping an eye one. If we let it slip that we’re gonna bust ‘em, Captain Chaotica is sure to be there.
COP
We’ll lay low so she’s confused when she shows up.
CHIEF KIGER
I was gettin’ to that! We’ll surprise the kids, hide, and when she shows up, we’ll nab her, and haul ‘em all to jail! Captain Chaotica can never resist saving low volume marijuana growers from years of imprisonment! That little dogooder’s goin’ down!
HA HA HA HA HA
Johnson, get me another box of old fashioned.
7. INT. CHAOTICA HEADQUARTERS
CC is practicing moves with the Piglet Punisher. The phone rings, and she answers.
The frame splits, and FELICIA SPANKGLTIT comes into view.
FELICIA
Captain Chaotica, Chief Kiger is gonna bust the Kronic Kids tonight!
CC
That bastard! Those kids are the main suppliers for legitimate medical use!
FELICIA
...and they’ve got the best buds in town!
CC
Thanks Felicia, I’ll be there!
8. EXT STREET - NIGHT
CC rides by on the motorcycle, going the opposite direction as before.
9. INT. KRONIC KIDS HOUSE - NIGHT
The Kronic Kids (cute gothic/punk types) are sitting around with some marijuana plants, smoking pot. Everything is calm, and all of a sudden the cops storm in and take them by surprise.
10. INT. KRONIC KIDS HOUSE, FRONT ROOM - NIGHT
CC cautiously enters the house through the partially open door. She looks around, confused, and begins to stalk about the house. She enters the grow room, and see the Kronic Kids sitting around nervously. CC stands there for a moment and sniffs the air.
CC
I smell bacon
The cops bust out of several entryways and a fight ensues. The fight is inter cut with shots of FELICIA creeping through the house and picking up a chair. COPs6&7 get the best of CC and hold her arms from behind. Two other cops pulls away the Piglet Punisher and give it to Chief Kiger, who has just recently entered the scene.
CHIEF KIGER
Now that we have your precious "Piglet Punisher," your police bashing days are over!
CC
Even if you do have the Piglet Punisher, you cannot beat me, porky!
CC head butts Chief Kiger, and FELICIA bursts in and hits the cops holding CC with the chair. FELICIA and CC continue to beat up the rest of the cops with wrestling moves. The finale is when CC choke slams Chief Kiger through a table.
CC
That was some good fighting, Felicia. Fab call on the chair.
FELICIA
Anything for you, Captain Chaotica.
CC
You know, with your inside scoop at the donut shop and wrestling know how, we could make quite a team. Interested?
FELICIA
Fuck yeah!
FELICIA and CC go to help the Kronic Kids out of their zip tie handcuffs as the NARRATOR starts up.
NARRATOR
And so, Captain Chaotica saves the day once again! Felicia Spangltit joins her forces against bully policemen, and defender of those who courageously break unjust laws. And the world is made safe for petty offenders, thanks to,
CAPTAIN CHAOTICA!
END