by Patrick Hill
Excuse me, sir! I’m looking for
The McCafferty place. The family owns
A pub and a small farm.
Can you help me find it?
McCafferty’s, is it? Sure, with a good pair of legs,
You could walk there from here.
But just drive your car over this wee hill
And watch for a brown cow on the left side of the road --
She’s there in her drool every morning at this hour.
The cow’s name is ‘Maggie Thatcher’ and
When you see the puss on her, you’ll know why.
Go past ole Maggie and take your first left.
Carry on straight ‘til you see the old castle on your right.
McCafferty’s is right there. Sure, you can’t miss it.
McCafferty’s, is it? Sure, you wandered off somewhere, lad;
But at least you’re still in the right parish.
Turn yourself ‘round here and follow your nose for a mile or two.
Just before you come to a little hill,
You’ll see the old Cassidy place on your left.
‘Tis the Germans own it now -- bought it from Cassidy while
The last breath was barely in him. You can’t miss Cassidy’s;
It’s right next to the Widow McGee’s. And from there
It’s just a stone’s throw to the McCafferty’s.
The McCafferty’s place? Why if it had teeth,
It could bite you from here.
Just follow this twisting road straight on up
Til you meet an old tinker by the side of the road --
Well, maybe he’s not so old anymore --
He’ll ride with you over to McCafferty’s.
And in the bargain, he’ll sing you “Danny Boy”
In the Irish. Off you go now, lad.
McCafferty’s? McCafferty’s? And now why would you
Want to go to McCafferty’s? Of all places?
Sure, you’d have a much better time at O’Donnelly’s.
They have the Yankee beer on tap now, you know.
And those little slices of cheese imported from France.
They serve them on toast after three o’clock.
Sometimes they forget to take off the cellophane wrapper;
Ah, but with the mustard, you’d barely notice.
Para
un gran amigo y
un gran maestro,
siempre estas
con nosotros.
The McCaffertys? The McCaffertys? Sure there are no
McCaffertys in Ireland! St. Patrick drove them out
With the snakes. And the few that remained
Ran to America at the time of the Famine.
Are you sure you don’t mean the McCartans?
Now there’s a family that’s worth visiting.
All twelve of the children play the accordion.
Just drive down here past the meadow on your left--
You’ll hear the jigs and reels lilting out of the barn
At all hours of the day and night. Sure, you can’t miss it.
Ah, the McCaffertys! I know them like my own.
‘Tis ten year now since the grandfather passed on--
As fine a man as you’d meet in a day’s walk.
Took to the drink though the day Kennedy was killed;
And Fionna the wife the worse for it as well.
Did you ever hear tell why young Patrick never married?
And both the Flanagan girls near daft to move in with him?
Come sit yourself, lad, and I’ll tell you the whole story.
McCafferty’s, is it? Ah, Yank, you’re out of luck
On that one. You can’t get there from here.
Your best bet is to go back to the Sligo road
And wind your way up a bit toward Bundoran.
Turn left at O’Doul’s creamery -- the cows will be in from
The field now. Go straight on for five furlongs or so
Maybe ten. You’ll find McCafferty’s forninst your nose.
Sure, you can’t miss it. Even a blind man could see it.
Ah, lad, it’s a long way to McCafferty’s from here!
You were closer to it when you were home in America.
If I were you I’d not try to find it in the dark.
It’s not exactly the Taj Mahal, you know.
Why not rest yourself here for the night?
I’ll pour you a pint and you can get a fresh start
In the morning. In the daylight you can’t miss it--
Sure, isn’t it right beneath the old castle?
McCafferty’s? McCafferty’s? Sure, did I not show you
The road to McCafferty’s this very morning??
Just drive by ole Maggie Thatcher and ... Wait!
She’ll not be by the road at this hour.
Move on over and I’ll drive you up there myself.
Now don’t be thanking me! Don’t be thanking me!
Why, Yank! There’s only two pedals in this car!
‘Tis no wonder you can’t find McCafferty’s!